I never knew the weight of the world until I felt the weight myself. It is heavy.
I never knew the depths of fear until fear became decision maker, my thought process, and the axis on which my world was turning.
It is so easy to pretend…
I take that back, it is HARD to pretend. It’s so hard, but the world forces us to.
Let me tell you this – my life is not always how it is portrayed or how it may seem to you. Just like your own life. Social media allows us to create a facade – at times even for ourselves.
The world doesn’t allow us time – the world doesn’t allow us space. The world loves distraction. The enemy loves distraction.
This isn’t an easy + fun + advice giving blog. This is just very real. Life is real and I am human and although I have debated posting anything at all – I find it hard to be an authentic & empathetic woman, sister, friend, and Christian, when I only post the joys.
This past few months and more specifically these past couple of weeks had been all but joyful.
panic + fear + tears + lies + pain – this was my reality.
I never knew the debilitation of anxiety until it interrupted everything. I thought I had known the feeling of anxiousness – but nothing prepared me for the panic attacks, nightmares, and physical chest pain from my heart beating out of my chest.
From the moment I woke up until the moment my head hit the pillow, all through the night, I was fed lies from the enemy.
On top of those lies – I felt embarrassed and upset that I was and had been struggling.
Let’s be real. It’s hard to be an outspoken Christian who so openly shares opinion and scripture about faith + trust when my own world lacked both.
The enemy knows no bounds. Satan attacks when you feel strong – when life is flourishing.
The enemy says this won’t hurt that bad. Come on, you’ve done it before, what’s one more time. No one has to know. This is what the world does, you should do it too.
I had allowed the enemy’s temptations and strongholds, little by little grab on to my life. One lie multiplied into one hundred.
you can’t do this. you aren’t worth it.
… and one hundred more. Old habits became so easy to fall back on. My heart knew I was being tested but my head convinced me otherwise.
One downward spiral turned into multiple. Restless nights. Calling my dad after a panic attack because my heart was beating so fast I couldn’t breathe.
Very real, very scary lies. Demons I had never imagined I would ever have to fight were arming up for battle.
I was begging God to intervene. My sweet dad prayed with me for hours on the phone as I cried.
I knew in my heart that this was not my truth. All I could see was the darkness but I knew God was the light of the world. I couldn’t handle it any longer. The enemy was no longer welcome in my head, my heart, or my home.
I logged off social media, I drew close to God’s overwhelming love. I selfishly put all of my focus on healing.
I was lifted up in prayer by friends, family, and strangers. My home was prayed over. My bed. My work.
Fear is a liar.
I will never forget the moment I felt my spiritual breakthrough – I literally felt weight lifted from shoulders as I cast all of my cares on Jesus.
The enemy no longer had a foothold on me. But he wasn’t about to go down without a fight. I spoke to God throughout the day as if he was right next to me.
I DECLARED out loud that the enemy was no longer welcome. I claimed victory in Jesus. When I woke up, before I went to bed. I am FREE and light in Christ’s love and protection.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10
I DECLARED out loud that the enemy was no longer welcome. I claimed victory and rest in
Songs I had sang previously now made me weep in tears of joy.
There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me
I knew the Lord had fought for me – as He always will. But it was hard to see buried beneath the lie.
I am fixed my eyes on the Truth and the Life. I am taking a much needed break from the world and resting solely in the arms of Jesus.
I am saying no to people, places, and things that do not need my time right now. I am focusing on my heart + my mind.
I am feeling so much better, and for now that is such a blessing.
I know the enemy will never seize – I will continually have to tear down the lies.
Now more than ever, I am so so thankful for God’s never-ending + reckless love. The love that chased me down and fought for me when I couldn’t fight for myself.
My own sins and short comings had led me into temptation that caused my heart turmoil – I had gone against what I knew – I lied to myself.
But still, He left the 99 to find the one.
There is darkness but let me reassure you friends, there is LIGHT.
Mental health does not discriminate. It is very real. Fear is a liar.
On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I’m standing on the mountain aft, didn’t get there on my own
When I’m walking through the valley end, no I am not alone!
You’re God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!
If you ever need an open ear, prayer, or a hug, please done hesitate to reach out to me. I couldn’t have made it through this past month without any of those.
Now I’m taking some time – you might see what I’m up to, you might not, but you can always reach me. It’s time to walk in the light for a while.